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Acts of God
Acts Of God or "Natural Disasters" are events that are created by God in response to his disapproval of the sinful behavior of the Immoral Minority, weed out the unfaithful, or to test his children. Atheists use the phrase "Act of God" with the connotation and intention to disparage God's infinite wisdom, while at the same time ignoring the good God does i.e. rainbows, crop growth, and MILFS. Varieties of Acts of God Tornado Tornadoes are storms that create damaging winds. These winds so great that they are capable of lifting houses and dropping them on witches. It is for this reason that tornadoes are another way in which God "suffers not a witch to live". A popular tornado myth says that one will be safe if they go in their basement during a tornado. This may work well for a surface tornado, but it is totally ineffective against a "basement tornado" . Tornadoes aid tremendously in the otherwise stagnant rate of occupancy turnover in trailer parks. This is mainly because somehow trailer homes act as a "magnet" to tornadoes. Considering this, the most effective method of surviving a tornado remains for one to get into a car, and drive away from it...works every time! Hurricane :For more information, see main article: Hurricane " or "finders"? Don't ask Stephen. Due to his Race Blindness, he wont be able help you.]] Hurricanes are giant swirling storms which are said to originate in the fictitious continent of Africa. They give groups such as the Red Cross an opportunity to "fundraise" and stuff their coffers with the cash of sympathetic, but ignorant Americans. Hurricanes create instances of mass evacuations of millions of people, but then again so does Godzilla. Coincidentally both of these two events frequently occur in Japan. There is no wonder to why hurricanes are all named after women, they have quite a few things in common. For instance, they both have nice comfortable holes in them in which you must successfully navigate the rest of the body to get to. In addition, they both arrive wet and full of energy, then they both unleash their fury and "mudslides". And in the end, they both take off with most of your stuff. On the positive, hurricanes provide an excellent opportunity for George W. Bush to show how much (or how little) he loves black people. Earthquake :For more information, see main article: Earthquake If you have ever wondered if it was possible to "shake the gay" out of all the pinkos in California? Unfortunately it doesn't work...God has repeatedly tried this, in the form of Earthquakes. But it only seems to exacerbate the situation. As mentioned, earthquakes only happen in godless states such California, and sometimes in Alaska (to keep the bears on their toes). Although it is of lesser importance to know how earthquakes occur rather than just why, still some theories exist explaining their cause. One explanation could be that earthquakes are a result of cave ins of the millions of miles of tunnels dug by illegal aliens in southern California. Earthquakes are also speculated to occur as a result of seismic waves traveling through the Earth when every Chinese person decides to jump up and down at the same time. Flood Floods are an Act of God that offers a greater amount of photo ops than your average disaster. What other disaster would you be able to see pictures of Firemen rescue kittens from trees? Or people rowing canoes down Main St.? Or even the oft-used cliché photograph of Black people looting convenience stores? Good luck finding another such disaster. Floods most often occur near or below sea level. So the best way in which one could avoid being involved in a flood, is to not live in flood prone areas. It is surprising how many people don't realize this after even after their house is under 15 feet of water. Floods provide some benefits to the environment and humans as well. Floods can transport aquatic animals to new habitat, from pond to pond, or river to river, or even house to house if the water is high enough. They also provide extra days off from work for the evacuated while at the same time refilling their swimming pools. problem?]] Wildfires Wildfires or "Forest Fires" are another useful tool used by God to keep nature in check. What better way to stop the never ending advance of vegetation towards our cities than by burning it? More importantly it disrupts the activities of the creatures who live in the forest. Nothing muddles the plots of bears and nature-worshiping hippies more than a 2500° F firestorm speeding towards them at 35 mph. Wildfires are always caused by either lightning or dragons. Furthermore, we can safely assume that there has never been an instance of a human causing one for fear of being instantly mauled to death by Smokey The Bear. How can one safely protect their homes from the threat of wildfires? Try making your home out of materials other than wood, or better yet, make sure your home is insulated completely with the flame-retardant asbestos, no harm will come to you then. Plague :For More Information, see main articles: The AIDS, The Black Death. Volcano Blizzard Drought Stock Market Crash Famous Acts of God It is no coincidence that many of the natural disasters cited above have occurred in the Godless State of California. Here are some of the more notable. The Great Flood (2345 BC) Destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah (1953 BC) The Destruction of Pompeii (79 AD) The Black Death (1347 AD) Peshtigo Fire (1871 AD) San Francisco Earthquake (1906 AD) occured during gay pride parade. The Central China Floods (1931 AD) The flooding of the Yellow River caused an estimated that 3.7 to 4.0 million deaths (apparently they never passed swimming lessons)...although no one noticed because it only consisted 1/2000th of China's population. Hurricane Katrina (2005 AD) act of vengeance to rid the city of new orleans of looters by drowning. Milwaukee Brewers Playoff Drought (1982 AD-present) See Also *Environmental Disasters *Bear Uprising of 2012 *Righteous Anger